Anxiety is an issue that has, continues to or will affect almost everyone. Anyone who has experienced it can tell you how difficult and isolating it is. You lose your sense of self worth, your thought process completely changes and you don’t know who you are anymore. At least, that has been my experience.
So this is a short piece I wrote some time ago about my own personality and self worth, that still sometimes reflects on how my anxiety is now:
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Three times, I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for everything I’ve done, for everything I’ve said. I’m sorry for everything I will inevitably do. But that’s who I am. I do things and I say things I don’t think are right. And I end up apologising. Why? I don’t really know why. If I could change that I would. But I can’t.
You’d think after all the strain and the stress and the pain it makes me feel I’d know better than to act like who I am. You’d think I’d tone it down a notch, just so I wouldn’t have to go through the agony of having to apologise for it again. You’d think so. But it’s hard. It really is. And that’s what makes it hurt even more.
It’s like I’ll never fit that idea of perfect that I’ve got engrained into my head. I know who I want to be, who I should be, but I never make it. No matter how hard I try. I end up being that same pain in the arse I always was. For some reason, I can’t help it. No matter how hard I try.
So all I can say for all that I’ve done is I’m sorry. I’m sorry to the moon and back. I’m sorry to infinity and back. I literally can’t put how sorry I am into words. I suppose all I can ask is that you bear with me as I try to change for the better. I know that’s rich after everything, but what else can I do? But I can promise this: no matter how many times I screw up, I’ll always try to be a better person next time.
No matter how anxiety too often makes me feel, I really do know things aren’t as bad as they seem. I’m not as bad a person as it makes me think I am. So that’s what I have to keep at the forefront of my mind to try to keep the anxiety at bay.
And to anyone else who is also suffering, take it from me: no matter how bad it may seem, it will always get better in time. Even if it’s hard to believe.