What’s wrong with you now? What’s happened?
“Nothing”, I respond. “Nothing’s happened. And therefore nothing can be wrong, right?”
Then why are you being like this? Why are you being so temperamental?
“I don’t know”, I think. “I don’t know why I’m like this.”
Well stop it then. Stop pissing everyone off with your low moods, your frustrations… Just stop getting in everyone’s way. Stop putting your bullshit “problems” onto everyone else. You might be a worthless piece of shit but don’t drag everyone else down with you.
“I’m sorry”, I say. I want to scream it at the top of my lungs. “I’m sorry”, I repeat. It’s become a daily occurrence now. I always have something to apologise for.
If you’re so sorry, why are you still such hard work? Why don’t you just stop crying and doing everything to make things worse? Why don’t you just change?
“I want to change! More than anything in the world!” I repeat this on a daily basis too. Why do you think I keep trying to make my internal pain external?
You fucking idiot! Why would you make it even more obvious that you’re a complete fuck up?
I don’t know how to respond to that. I’ve used some awful coping mechanisms to deal with the pain inside of me.
What is the point in even trying to reason with you anymore? You’re completely nuts!
I stop and I think about it. Despite all the bad decisions I’ve made, I’ve also got to remember all the positives. I might have done some reckless things while at my worst but I’ve also been proactive wherever possible. I’ve spoken to people and I’m taken a lot of the right steps to recovery.
Surely that’s got to be worth remembering?
The above conversation is one I’ve had many times. It goes around my head every single fucking day and it still hurts every single fucking time.
But the funny thing is, no-one else was involved. It was all in my head. I’ve been mentally torturing myself over something that’s not my fault, something I can’t fully control.
And it really doesn’t have to be that way.
I’ve started to realise, though, that life is hard enough without adding to the pressures of everyday life with anxiety.
I’ve already suffered enough without making things worse for myself, haven’t I?